So much has happened since I last wrote a blog post.
Graduated college. Got a girlfriend. Got a part time job. Decided I’m going back to school. Went to Florida. Loved my girlfriend. Got my heart broken. Went to New York. Found out I might like girls more than guys. Had multiple panic attacks. Relived so many wonderful memories. So many…
And yet now is the time I choose to write about because I am so conflicted. And I wish I could be doing more. I have this one sorority sister who crossed into the sorority the same semester I did who is very suicidal. I have met her maybe twice in my life. MAYBE three times, maybe.
If she isn’t tweeting about music festivals she’s tweeting about death or suicide, and at first, I saw she was getting interactions from other people who were concerned about her so I didn’t say anything. Mainly because I assumed that she was closer to them than she was to me. But as time went on the others stopped replying to her tweets, the tweets got darker and I felt like I had to say something to her. So I did. I dmed her with encouraging words and love and told her that if she wanted to talk that I would always be here. I genuinely meant it and still do.
Today, however, was shocking. The things she was saying made it seem like she would not be able to live until the morning. I am scared. I already told her if she wanted to talk that I am here for her so I didn’t know if I should tell her that again?? But at the same time, I don’t know if she would be annoyed with me for telling her that?? So I called a friend of mine who has also gone through a hard time similar to my sister and asked her what she thought I should do. Because I was stuck between two options: tell her that I love her again and that I want her to talk to me, or talk to her about this upcoming music festival and try to get her mind off of her hard times. I went with option two.
So far, so good. But between each of our messages, I get wracked with worry and anxiety. Has she done it yet? Will she just stop responding after the next message? I barely know her but I don’t want to lose her. I feel connected to her for some reason? more than just being sisters of the same sorority. Maybe because we’re both a part of the community and we need to stick together?? Idk. I just don’t want to lose her.
The music festival is this weekend and with the way the night’s going, I might just buy a ticket so that I can enjoy it with her/….? I don’t know what I expect will happen. I wouldn’t want to ruin her weekend by trying to convince her to live but at the same time, I don’t want her to die. I am so conflicted. What do I even say?
Also, why do I feel like it is my personal mission to keep her alive? to help her? … I know the answer. It’s because everyone deserves a future and I want to fight for hers.